orson welles was really good at contemplating eternity

behold, the mighty himalayas:

pride of asia, employer of sherpas, burning love of sir edmund hillary. favored stomping grounds of douchey richfolk. however you wanna call it, the earth wasn’t playing canasta in the range’s creation. the earth was playing roulette from hell.

the himalayas are among the youngest mountain ranges on earth. yet their creation began to occur around 70 million years ago. that’s the stuff of nightmares, no?

you could plant me in a haunted hotel with a much slimmer jack nicholson and dispatch the scary kid on the powerwheels and the elevator full of blood. and you know what? i would handle that. i would. but swathe me in the warm blankets of my bed and feed me an expertly produced documentary of the himalayas, zoom into their beautiful crystal ice peaks and the jagged epicness of it all, and then have a vaguely british announcer remind me that i am a mere 26 and the himalayas a mighty 70 million. and i’ll think about cavemen, and bacteria, and dinosaurs and asteroids. i’ll think about how the himalayas totally got to be around when the red sox won the 1918 world series over the cubs, or when caravaggio killed a man over a tennis match, or when marie antoinette was getting crap from the hateful french. and my bones start to feel soft as putty. i’m a little gnat, i realize. what a paltry life! it doesn’t help that i usually watch these types of sobering documentaries during storms, when lightening crashes snidefully against the gothic architecture of the imposing church across my street.

after a valium, or a bourbon, i’m usually able to work myself out of full existential crisis. yet i still like to focus on the most satisfying ways to be sent to your grave. i want to go out in style, baby. here are some ideas that i am considering for that future time. the variables most appealing to me in this decision are shock value and style.

possibility # 1: Burial at Sea

pros: i like the idea of going out in style, all old testament like jonah. caught up somehow in the belly of the whale. it’s no surprise that the catholic church shuns this plan, which gives it added value to my puny heart. if fate would allow it, i’d love to slip to the very bottom of the seabed to hang out with all those blind fish that look like they belong in the movie alien.

cons: i feel that i am romanticizing this method of burial a great amount. with my honest luck, i’d become food for eels. eels are my most notorious enemy.

grade: B-. if it’s good enough for francis drake and l. ron hubbard, it’s good enough for me!

possibility # 2: Human Taxidermy

pros: i wasn’t able to get a lot of information on this subject, as i have a feeling that this process is illegal. why we have not learned from the ancient egyptians is beyond me. these are my people: sent to eternal rest plied with food and booze. and now their lucky remains get to be housed in the louvre! for me to respectfully gawk at.

cons: like i said, not enough information. and i’m worried that, once embalmed, i’d fall into the wrong hands. maybe a traveling circus. i would only want to be positioned in a sitting stance. you could put a little cup of maker’s mark in my right hand.

grade: C. not enough fans of taxidermy out there.

possibility # 3: Eternal Rest as a Diamond

pros: LifeGem (TM) is a legit company who will aid you in your quest of becoming a diamond. really. carbon released during cremation is captured as a dark powder, then heated to produce graphite. then, the powdery remains of you are sent to a lab to be synthesized. then you can be enjoyed - and flaunted by loved ones.

cons: having your loved one take you off before bed only to be dropped down the drain.

grade: A+. i’ll take my chances on falling into a drain. what could possibly be better than becoming a diamond? maybe being launched into space. i’ll look into that.